Have
you heard? We’re having a hard time here in Boston. The city is barely
functioning under a six-foot lead blanket of snow. More is on its way. Our roofs
are sagging, icicles threaten to impale us, our transit system is non-functional,
and everyone’s faces look like this:
 |
| Mayor Marty Walsh and staff give world's saddest blizzard press conference |
But really, what choice do we have in all of this? Let me help you. The answer is no choice—we have no agency. Our only option is to hunker down, button ourselves into our LL Bean flannels and fantasize about what the daffodils will look like when the ground finally thaws come August.
Never
one to leave my readers out in the cold (!!) during their time of need—here are
my tips about How to Survive Another Snowpocalypse*
1. Just start drinking. I’d typically
be more careful about rolling this out as a first-line strategy, since you
know, alcoholism. But really—there are only so many hours you can wait on a frozen train platform before you need to pour yourself a little
liquid relief. You’ve earned it.
2. Treat yourself to new culinary delights. As New Englanders, we adhere to the strong cultural tradition of flocking to the grocery store to get milk, bread and eggs every time those ferocious flakes appear on the five-day forecast. Don’t stop there. How about some dark chocolate? Gourmet cheese (to pair with your booze)? All the fixings for a nice, savory chicken dish that simmers for hours and fills your home with aromas of a land more livable than ours? Throw it all in the wagon. It’s time to experiment with your cooking. Put the Ramen aside. You’re 30 now, and it makes you look pathetic.
3. Engage in your own silent meditation retreat. Your partner/roommates/family are tired of hearing you complain about the weather anyway, so do everyone a favor and put a sock in it. Let’s have a little Eat, Pray, Love experience in our own homes. We’ll be entirely unable to afford to travel after accounting for this month’s heating bill, not to mention the lost wages from getting stranded on the T for half a day, so take enlightenment into your own frugal hands. Your living room doubles as a meditation hall; your shower, a “detoxifying” sauna; your kitchen is a yoga studio. Work through your troubles in silence. Forgive your parents, your exes, former roommates, childhood bullies. Consume only tea. Have a breakthrough. Who needs Bali when you have Boston in February?
4. Make those audition tapes
for the reality shows you’ve always wanted to be on. The conditions outsides
provide vast opportunity to show the producers of Amazing Race, Survivor or the
Bachelor(ette) that you’re up to any challenge. Build a 3-story igloo. Dabble
in some naked snowshoeing. Pull a David Blaine and see how long you can survive
in a snowbank while trying to get your heartrate down to 6 beats per minute.
You can do this. Only the strong survive.
5. Dive deep into the hobby you’ve
been putting off. Malcolm Gladwell’s book Outliers says that in order to be an expert at
something, you need to practice it for 10,000 hours. Already this winter has afforded
us hundreds of housebound hours, so what are you waiting for? How
awesome will you look when you emerge from your igloo in the spring having
written six novels? What if you got your real estate license? Learned to perform amateur dentistry? (Lookout,
Josh!!** ) What if you could design a whole new wardrobe for yourself made out
of soda (beer) can tabs and human hair? Time’s
a wasting, you little freak shows. Show me what you can do.
*You
should probably follow none or very little of this advice. Catherine the Greatest
is not responsible for any personal harm/injury, damage to property/relationships
or any other negative outcome that may
befall you as a result of following these instructions.
** That’s
just for jokes—I no longer perform amateur dentistry on Josh.
