Top 10 classroom personalities

Next week my college classes end for good, and I'm already feeling nostalgic. We take for granted how lucky we are to get an education, soaking up new information on a daily basis. I realized how lucky I was and how much I enjoyed learning last semester when I was home, and no one was teaching me anything besides how to withstand the unwelcome conversation of subway predators.

We like to think we'll do our own research and continue teaching ourselves things as we leave school behind and transition to adulthood, but once you sink into a rhythm and get used to the 9-5 work day, a lot of that ambition can fall by the wayside.

But my intention in writing today isn't to wax poetic about the intellectual gratification of a college education. Today I would like to bemoan the eventual loss of one of the best people-watching locales: the university classroom. Regular readers of this blog know that I'm a huge creeper, and I spend most of my day observing people around me. The college campus is a veritable treasure trove for my kind! New people are everywhere, and there's always a freak show to catch your attention. Here are some personalities I've categorized during my time creeping behind you in class...

TOP 10 CLASSROOM PERSONALITIES.

10. The Eater. You know the one, that skinny girl who sits in the corner and packs away enough food for a family of four by the time your 55-minute class is over. You've seen her in food.com, getting a stir fry, gummi worms, coffee, soda, a muffin, veggies and hummus,thus spending the equivalent of your entire weekly food budget on her afternoon snack. How can she stay so thin when she eats like Grendel? Also, The Eater's binges never seem to coincide with actual meal times, just normal mid-morning or afternoon snacktimes when the common man would have a granola bar or an apple. What do these people eat at dinner? My guess is a gaggle of kindergarteners.

9. The Sick One. That person who always has a deadly hacking cough, all year around, without fail. The phelgmy discharges are ear-splittingly audible no matter where you sit, and the urge to sanitize every surface keeps you from focusing on your professor's lesson.

8. The Loud One. These people talk all through class, thinking they're whispering, but in reality they are speaking at or above normal speaking volume. They rummage through their bags, slam every possesion onto the desk, crinkle their bag of Fritos with complete disregard for the racket that it's causing. They go to the bathroom in the middle of lecture, chair screeching, feet scuffling, door slamming. Hi, we hear you.

7. The Sleepy One. Not only does this person typically sleep through the entire class, but for the few second they're awake, the circles under their eyes make you feel so bad for them that you avoid participating in class because you see how badly they need sleep. The coffee on their desk goes untouched; they were out cold within minutes of purchasing it. You wonder what type of hours these people keep that they are always dysfunctional from sleep deprivation. All night benders? Obnoxious roommate? Tumultuous relationship? Maybe they do all of their studying between midnight and 7 a.m.?

6. The Stupid One. These people are often the most bold in their question asking, which only leads the entire class to shift uncomfortably every time The Stupid Ones raise their hands, wincing in anticipation of the idiocy that is about to flow forth. I like to think there's no such thing as a stupid question, but I've heard a few. Once, during a health policy class discussion about HIV transmission during genital mutiliation in places where clitorectomies are frequently performed with sticks, rocks, etc., a girl asked, "Wait, how do rocks carry HIV?" She should not be allowed to get a college degree.

5. The Belligerently Angry One. This person has to disagree with everything the professor said, and do so with fervent authority. Everything seems to offend him, and no student statement can go uncontested. The Belligerently Angry One is always disgruntled and most importantly, always right. Just like a closely-related cousin,The Know-It-All. Every statement begins with something like, "During my internship at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation" or "In the honors program we..." or "Actually, that's not true because when I was on an archaelogical dig in Egypt..." I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Shut it."

4. The Lonely One. The person is determined to be your friend. I attract a lot of these, due to my friendly disposition and the magnet lodged deep within me that pulls in the affection of strangers. The Lonely Ones gravitate toward you for group work, wave at you when you're with friends in public, invite you to their birthday parties. This person loves you, and you're not sure how to handle it.

3. The Mute Genius. That unassuming student who doesn't speak a word the whole semester, and then raises her hand to answer one question and delivers the most informed, eloquent answer you've ever heard. Even the professor is amazed. What does that student think while the rest of us sit half-awake bumbling through answers we make up as we go along because doing the reading is too much trouble? Would that person like to peer edit my paper?

2. The Late Comer. You're 45 minute into the 80 minute class, and this bozo wanders in. Why bother coming? You've missed most of lecture and you look like a dumbass. If you can't make it within 10 minutes of the class's start time, stay home. No one will miss you.

1. The Talker with the Annoying Figures of Speech. The only person who contributes in your 9:30 class on Friday, and he has an answer for everything. He keeps the focus off of the other students, but unfortunately his language is peppered with two or three phrases he uses non-stop. Some favorites: To piggyback off that point..., saying "like" every third word, or using grammatically incorrect phrases like "If they would have known" instead of "If they had known" on repeat. You start participating just so no one has to listen to him talk anymore. The Talker with the Annoying Figures of Speech has a twin, The Talker Who Speaks at a Glacial Pace. If you leave 10 seconds between every word, I prohibit you from speaking.

Who are your fave classroom personalities? Who did I leave out?