More abominations from your local Kiss station

I've written before about my confusion and distaste for crass pop-music lyrics. Do people not think about what they're singing? Are listeners just bopping around, thinking that it's okay to hum along to the overtly sexual lyrics pulsating through the virginal ear drums of the soccer team in the back of the minivan? I hate to sound like an old codger, but I'm already thinking that if I ever have children (ick), I'll be one of those parents who only lets them listen to the family-friendly soft rock stations. I don't want my eight year old to so much as ask me to kiss them thru the phone, nevermind asking when they'll be old enough to date go-go dancers and rent yachts. Who am I kidding? By the time I have kids, maybe radio will be dead. Looks like they'll be hearing the 7-hour long Celine playlist I have so lovingly crafted. If you remain unconvinced of the rapid degeneration of pop music lyrics, please join me as we take a stroll through the sordid modern day Top 40 Scene.

I'll start with the song I find most egregiously offensive, Lady Gaga's "Love Game." It's a well-known fact that Lady Gaga is certifiably insane, so maybe we can't expect her to have a conscience, or a brain...or integrity. Let's look at the following:

I'm on a mission
And it involves some heavy touching, yeah
You've indicated you're interest
I'm educated in sex, yes
Now I want it bad, want it bad
A love game, a love game

Uh, alrighty. Well, in case you weren't entirely sure what Lady G had been leading up to in the preceding verses, she's here to let you know it involves some heavy touching. I do wish that whoever wrote these fine lyrics had just kept in the original phrase, which we know they were thinking of, "heavy petting." It has been so underused, almost entirely forgotten, ever since we wrapped up the miniature sex-ed unit taught by gym teachers in fifth grade. You know I'm right. And of course, Lady Gaga must too, as she says she is educated in sex. Do you have a degree, my Lady? Or is this more of a life experience/apprenticeship situation? I assume the latter, but nevertheless I'm still curious. However, the real reason I object to this song is this line: "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick."

Are you serious? Can this really mean what I think it does? How, in one or two musical generations, did we go from The Beatles' innocent, "I want to hold your hand" to THIS. I tend to think if there is something you would never say to someone in real life, it should not be the chorus of a pop song. If you said to someone, "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" and he responded affirmatively, that should be a sign to stay away. That is a sentence no one should say or hear.

Moving on, before I get too upset. The following song was blasting through the radio in a friend's car recently, when everyone suddenly got up in arms about a particular line. However, in my extensive research for this entry, I have found even more objectionable material in "Blame It (On the Alcohol)" by Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain.

a) Baby I would rather show you
What you been missing in your life when I get inside.

Good lord. If you are going to be a presumptuous womanizer, could you at least do it discreetly? Perhaps employ some literary devices to keep your motivations somewhat shrouded in mystery?

b) Fill another cup up
Feelin on yo butt what?

I guess not. The lyrics to many popular songs theses days fail to exceed the intellectual levels of most sixth-grade boys. Yo butt what!! Speaking of, where on earth is Sisqo?


c) She look me dead in the eye
Then my pants got bigga

This was the lyric that sent the girls in the car squealing. And not in a good way. Remember the swirling romance of Frank Sinatra's "Fly me to the moon" or the understated sexiness of Bob Dylan's "Lay Lady Lay"? THIS SONG IS NOT LIKE THAT.

I was going to close this entry with another song dissection, but after reading Flo rida's "Right round" lyrics, I am just completely exhausted. I know many of these songs are meant to be played in clubs, so singing about strippers and drinking is apropos. But am I the only one who feels her soul whither sometimes? When I'm driving around suburban Massachusetts, passing school children, historical sites, and Girl Scout bake sales, am I the only one who wishes for a little more Simon and Garfunkel and a little less Jesse McCartney and Ludacris?

Leave your favorite lyrics in the comments.