Showering, manners, and other advice for commuters

Yesterday, The Boston Globe ran a story about the the MBTA announcing a courtesy campaign for riders of the trains and subways in and around Boston. They hope that posting signs with cheery slogans like "Don't be a lout, let them out," or "Don't Drone on the Phone" will keep people from being assholes on public transit.

I spent much of the afternoon yesterday reading the comments that Bostonians left on the article-- ranging from uplifting stories about people offering seats to those who needed them more, to incredible ones about someone's dog defecating in a subway car, the owner refusing to pick it up. I should say that I find most commuters to be quite reasonable, but the trains have become more crowded lately, and some problems have arisen. Last night, on the train home, there were two passengers sitting in a three-person seat. A third guy came along and asked to sit down, and the guy in the middle, stood up, huffed and puffed, gathered his things and muttered "asshole," loud enough for everyone to hear. I said to the guy who wanted a seat, "How dare you, thinking you could fit three people into a three-seater?" He smiled, but I could tell he was shaken. In an effort to improve relations for everyone involved, here's a top 10.

Top 10 Tips for T Transit- Put a Little Love In Your Heart

10. Everyone take a shower. I've spent more than one nasty subway trip with my nose stuffed into some guy's rancorous armpit. Do us a favor and work up a good lather before you think about subjecting me to your natural musk.
9. Babies have every right to ride the subway! But parents, if your precious cherub has a stroller in which I could comfortably recline my 5'8" frame, please collapse it before you board.
8. Please move aside so I can grab onto the poll (insert crass joke here). The T drivers are notorious for slamming on their breaks and sending passengers flying, and I am notorious for having less balance than Janet Jackson. Unless you want me to end up on top of your baby, or sending one of my bony elbows into your jaw, please don't wrap yourself around the pole like you're jonesing for a dollar bill.
7. If someone is old, pregant, disabled, or just looks like they need the seat more than you, get up. On more than one occasion I have seen a pregnant woman almost topple over while the subway sways, and old people stand politely for 7-8 stops while an entitled BU student sits and blares his iPod loud enough for everyone to hear.
6. If you cough, sneeze, or hack on me, I reserve the right to do the same to you, or at least punch you in the kidneys.
5. Move into the damn car. Lately people have been standing immediately inside the doors and refusing to move further into the train. You are not going to miss your stop if you stand more than six inches away from the door. On more than one occasion, I've stepped off the train to let people off, only to be cut off by those people getting on, and left on the platform waiting for the next train.
4. Note to the T drivers, it is not appropriate for you to say you "don't know," when a tourist asks you how to get some place. You should know. Or at the very least, go to the subway map and help them find out. You are paid to know. It is really your only function.
3. Take your backpack off. If you slam me in the abdomen one more time with your text-book laden parcel, I'll be forced to do the same to you. But with a knife.
2. Perfume. This is a big issue for me. I am allergic to probably 80 percent of women's perfumes. If they don't succeed in making my face blotchy, nose runny and eyes coke-addict red, they at least make me sniffly and uncomfortable. I know I can't tell you not to wear any perfume but maybe, given the fact we're going to be together in a small train car for a 50-minute commute, you could limit yourself to three spritzes or fewer, and bring some along in your tote for later.
1. Put your cell phone away. Last week on the train home, I heard a man on the phone with his bank or credit card company, who charged him after he had canceled an account. I was privy to his 30-minute rantings to a poor associate, as well as when he threatened a lawsuit and demanded all of the tapes of his conversations and copies of his records from a manager. I must admit I was interested by the conversation, but I think the napping people around me were not impressed. Save financial issues, messy breakups, and everything else for later when you can rant and rave in private. Or else I might blog about the gritty details.