Someone slap some sense into that woman

I am a dedicated Dear Abby reader, and I check out her columns several times a week. For a woman whose job it is to dispense advice, I find she misses the point rather often, or offers people advice I just can't make sense of. So I'm going to start a new semi-regular section on this blog called Dear Abby/Queer Crabby? And I mean queer in the "odd, unusual" sense, not the LGBT way. And crabby because sometimes she sounds like an old neighbor shaking her newspaper at the kids across the street who stepped on her garden gnome. Let's look at today's column where she seems to miss an obvious solution to a couple's problem: 

DEAR ABBY: I'm a single 59-year-old man who is dating an attractive 40-year-old woman. I wear glasses, and she wears contact lenses, which she takes out before we go to bed at night. Of course, I remove my glasses.

The problem is, when we become intimate, we can barely see each other -- even with the lights on. We want to know what each other looks like when we're making love. Any suggestions? -- EYES WIDE OPEN IN ROGERS, ARK.

DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: I am not a vision expert, and this is something you should discuss with your eye-care professional. However, because you are both blind as bats without corrective lenses, perhaps it's time you considered the Braille method.

Okay, have I lost my mind? Shouldn't the couple's solution to this be: leave your eye glasses/contacts on until you're done boning? I mean Abby, suggesting they learn Braille is a bit extreme. Were you referring to them enhancing the role of touch in their lovemaking, or were you just talking about straight up Hellen Keller Braille? Sometimes I can't tell with you and your inappropriate old people jokes.